Emotionally Immature Parents.
Emotionally immature parents. It’s not really a term you hear often and it’s often something you feel, experience, and see the effects of before you have words to really describe it and know what it is.
Emotionally immature parents can be described as parents who are emotionally immature, unavailable, selfish, and put their needs before their children to the point of physical or emotional neglect. They are often described as overly emotional, manipulative, narcissitic, avoidant, neglectful, and the king or queen of gaslighting. Due to their behavior, lack of insight, and inability to take ownership of “their stuff” and their contribution to conflict, they are exhausting, leave us feeling confused, hurt, betrayed, and abandoned. It’s not uncommon to feel resentment, overwhelm, and hopelessness with how to deal with them in your life.
There are four common types of emotionally immature parents:
The Emotional parent: These parents are emotionally driven, are unpredictable with their intense up and down moods, require support from others to help stabilize them (including support from their children), are often overly involved and then withdrawn, and see people in black or white (all or nothing; their rescuers or enemies).
The Driven Parent: These parents are highly driven, goal oriented, and constantly trying to fix everything and everyone. And although they are trying “fix”, it’s not from a place of empathy and love, instead it comes across as critical, controlling, and as interfering. They can’t pause and are always on the move to find and be perfection.
Passive Parents: These parents are avoidant, turn their attention away from any abuse, neglect, or harm, and minimize problems and emotions. They are unable to show up for hard conversations and emotions, which in turn causes abandonment and neglect.
Rejecting Parents: These parents are withdrawn, dismissive, derogatory, easily blow-up and are extremely closed off. They view the need for love and affection as “needy”, have a thick wall up to keep others out, and can be abusive.
Find healing & Move Forward.
As an adult child of an emotionally immature parent(s), you may feel you were never able to be a “child” or experience a “childhood.” You probably feel you never got your needs met, had to grow up fast, parent yourself, and possible grew up taking care of your parent.
It doesn’t matter if you are an adult now, if you haven’t dealt with your emotionally immature parent and learned specific tools to help you manage this relationship, the hurt and anguish will continue. Therapy helps you to identify their behavior as emotionally immature, find freedom from the cycle of family dysfunction, and learn tools to have a healthy relationship with your parent. Doing this helps you decrease disappointment and frustration, feel freedom, and show up as the adult child you want.
This process isn’t easy and it doesn’t happen overnight. Sometimes it includes digging deep, grieving your lost childhood and letting go of the ideal parent you wish you had. It includes radical acceptance for the parent relationship you do have and helps you find a way move forward.
If this is something you’d like support with, please email therapy@wholehealthcounseling.live or call 208-207-4022 for a free phone consultation about how therapy can help you with this area of your life.